2018 GOVERNOR PRIMARY ENDORSEMENTS!

August 14, 2018

 

Welcome to the first official F&P political endorsement soirée! We’ve combed through the candidates’ credentials, likeability, accomplishments and let’s face it, electability, to determine which candidate deserves our gold star standard of endorsements.

 

Pizza Rat has been watching campaign ads during Wheel of Fortune commercials and we feel she has made some very astute observations and conclusions. For her home state governor, our girl is totes behind Cynthia Nixon. Pizza Rat has spent a lot of time on the subway with Ms. Nixon and has tremendous respect not only for Ms. Nixon’s footgear, but for the candidate’s unwittingly discarded children’s snacks. Pizza Rat enjoys nothing more than an errant organic Cheerio from an earnestly assembled child’s health-food laden tantrum kit.

 

Closer to Pizza Rat’s new home here in the frostily passive-aggressive Midwest, she has made determinations for the healthy future of her beloved second home state of Minnesota. Word in the sewers of the Twin Cities is that the DFL three-way primary for governor has gotten particularly fetid. Deliciously so. While Pizza Rat appreciates the general rancor and manufactured outrage of Erin Murphy’s latest freak-out about Lori Swanson’s running mate Rick Nolan’s campaign staffing debacle—seriously what kind of dumdum fires some gross harasser and doesn’t know when the same gross harasser is contracted for a remote consulting…oh never mind. Pizza Rat isn’t quite getting Murphy's hyperbolic rant: “Nolan enabled and protected a predator while engaging in truly reprehensible behavior himself.” Enough with the scorched earth, Erin. Pizza Rat wonders, does Murphy have tangible proof that Nolan himself is a harasser? Our inside sources give that allegation an RF for Ridiculously False. For that reason, Pizza Rat is out. Sorry Erin, rats are not lovers of shark jumpers.
 

The latest delicacy to circle the drain is Lori Swanson’s office’s debacle with the Attorney General’s former employee trashing the culture of the office in an obscure internet magazine and then again in a less-than-enlightening interview on MPR. While Pizza Rat appreciates Lori Swanson’s bona fides and was fully in her corner on Tuesday, by Friday she had serious concerns about the Attorney General’s electability. Sorry Lori, your office should not have disseminated the ex-employee’s criminal record via your office’s official government email address. For this reason, Pizza Rat is out.
 

One thing that Pizza Rat hates is a condescending mansplainer. Pizza Rat decided months ago after coming across a pedantic, patronizing show of support for the LGBTQ community by Tim Walz—who has a good chance at bagging the win—but she doesn’t have a lot of faith in the congressmember’s sincerity. As with Swanson, Pizza Rat is sick and tired of Walz’s "gay-for-the-stay" love connection with the NRA. She doesn’t buy for one second the sportsman angle in keeping the rural vote by pandering to huntin’ and fishin’ rednecks who take pride in their misinterpretation of the constitution. Yes, we went there.

 

If you are hankering for a repeal of marriage equality, the promotion of gay conversion therapy, the denial of women’s agency over their own bodies, and demonization of black and brown people, then Jeff Johnson, the scary Xtian right wing nut case is your man. (Yes, we "crossed the 'Christ' out of 'Christian,'" because nothing this guy believes in is, in any way, Christ-like.) Johnson is somewhat appealing to Pizza Rat because she knows she could set up shop in his administration and spread rabies as if it were God’s will. But our girl has no interest in piling on to the plague that is the Trump era.

 

T-Paw is forever on Pizza Rat's bad list. She lost a lot of relatives in the 35W bridge collapse. Nothing to see here folks, just a rancid blast from the past jumping on the Othering Train. See above.

 

In conclusion, Pizza Rat would like everyone to vote their conscience because she can’t vote in Minnesota and she’s mailed in her ballot to the NYC vermin voter headquarters.

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