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Brat Attack Nation

All right, it’s been awhile, so let’s get right to it:

For those of you who remain blissfully unaware of current events we hate to break it to you, but the Cheeto-in-Chief is in some mad trouble. Big time trouble, right there in Swampland City. He is accused of a ton of misdoings, but the United States House of Representatives was only able to come up with two impeachable offenses and have charged POTUS with two articles of impeachment: Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Congress. Forget violating the emoluments clause, nepotism, cronyism, and general jackassery. Our cautiously realistic congressional leaders are going with the obvious. Dude ignored all of manner of congressional subpoenas and strong-armed the newly elected president of a very fragile country that is in an active war with—wait for it—Russia. So there’s that.

Here’s a link to the Commie Pinko Liberal Rag-of-Record for more details. (If you’ve clicked on the link and have returned to our site, please let us first apologize for the data splash and/or soaking (depending on how much you were able read) of our current national dilemma.

Here’s our take on the whole sordid business:

Cheetos Flavor #45 is a complete rat bastard as we have implied pretty much since our beginning here at F&P. His cadre of imbeciles have seized the moment to throw some epic tantrums. Shirtsleeves Jordan and Co. give a great B-movie rendition of the beleaguered champion, crediting him for all that is right in the world and deriding all those meanies trying to take down their beloved orange sack of cancer-causing empty-calorie snacks. Hilariously bad grandstanding. And all (really, let’s be honest), for an audience of one.

We wonder, do these knuckleheads have any sort of concept of history? Or is the temporary gratification of taking down the libs more valuable of a legacy than say … not destroying our democracy? Is being skilled in the arts of obfuscation and schoolyard games more important than basic human decency? Seriously, is ’roid raging at expert fact witnesses and legal scholars considered sexy in some districts, swinging or otherwise? If we can get enough people to the polls, the answers to these questions will bear out on Tuesday, November 3.

The culture wars are in full swing as is evidenced by the countless tales of families shunning each other on holidays, epic Facebook showdowns and, for many, sheer exhaustion.

Besides our pearl-clutching elected officials, we have the really, really mad Cheeto lovers out on the battlefield gamely attempting to defend the indefensible.

Frothing white rage can be found in all realms of the public square. Repeating FOX News talking points at full volume, fists clenched and ready to rumble, in spite of the beer guts, type 2 diabetes, and the latest episode of Hannity looming. And while most of the aggrieved demographics’ antics contain a degree of hilarity to the critical thinker, so did the antics of the Brownshirts. And we all know how that undeniably ended.

Now, we can’t leave out the brat squads here. Armed with the existential financial threat that is a modern education, many of our scholars, young and old, have taken up knitting needles as both a useful haberdashery tool and right-to-choose metaphor.

Bernie Bro-in-Training

While we here at F&P enjoy hyperbole as much as the next guy, it’s not the best idea to indulge in the party fracturing antics of 2016. No, Bros, your man is still not a Democrat. And A.O.C is a super smart freshman member of congress, but the woman is 30 years old. In her lifetime, she has enjoyed freedoms fought for by her nemeses of imagined corrupt has-beens; to know is not to truly understand. We need to give this one more time before we elevate her to saint status.

No one political party will get us everything we want and we will never all want the same for our country. At some point we need to get it together and stop already with the meltdowns. Get back to reality. Life is really, really unfair. But, as our dear friend, RBG always reminds us, “When the pendulum swings too far in one direction, it always swings back.” Words to cling to in these dark times.

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